what an affair.

It's awkward when you dream of someone in a quite the ridiculous situation, then you see/talk to the person the day after.. and you can't quite stop the mental giggling that juxtaposes the reality with the dream. The grin seems to want to spread, but since no one but you knows what's the big joke, it stays inside. Much like the rest of your strange thoughts. Oh well.

Crazy hell week has passed, and I'm wondering if anything will come out of it. This week is lots more relaxing. But then up bubbles this darn feelings that ack! i'm not doing enough. But perhaps, it's time to be responsible and actually do some work at the place i'm officially working. haha. Instead of dribs and drabs of work.

I wrote this some days ago. but never posted. so i shall post it. as a random blah post. there are other things to say. which will be said. soon.

just for now.

Some days, I feel like this. Well. Many days I feel like this. But there are fun days too. Play time is fun. And I know that I once I am gainfully employed (read: worked to the bone) I will long for these months of.. footloose-fancy-free-ness.

Meanwhile, I keep chugging along. And hold close little events that make me feel like I'm actually home. Like.. going on long walks just.. cos. to explore. i went exploring at mount sophia..

ended up here! and dumdeedummed around it.


and went to a photo exhibition and walked and walked and walked. and went to play guitars and drink soyabean/chinchow and talk and shop (briefly, for a mic) and.. then suddenly it was night time.


we heart friends. other friends, please come and play soon. before life catches up to us.


goodnight, from singapore. with love.

ZOOOOOM

i wrote this in my journal a few days ago. and it comes with a little drawing that perhaps i shall scan in another time. here goes:

you know what? i REFUSE to lose my sense of adventure. that's sort of what this is, right? A big adventure, destination unknown. i am a spaceship pilot setting off for uncharted territories. it's a big mission, but i've got everything i need to pull it off.

haha. that's it. the rest of it gets less interesting and bloggable. my brother told a friend that i'm the least stressed out unemployed person he knows. in my head i was like.. WHAT??? how do you get to say that! you're not even home to see me apply for stuff. haha. but well, i accept that i do seem that way. heh.

alright, i'm off to the races. (like for real. f1 is so cool i remember why i wanted to be a f1 driver when i was 5)

finding home.

home is a 4-letter word. i left it somewhere.

and now i'm in a place that's so familiar, and actually honestly, easier to be in. but of course, there's something.. off.

don't get me wrong, i'm happy. i'm always pretty happy and at ease, yeah? and the job search is going! the wheels are grinding, and i'm moving with the world. i don't exactly know where i'm moving to per se. but things get done. days pass. slower, and hotter than they did before, but i have tonnes to do all the time, which helps me not be restless (a good thing).

i continue to befuddle myself with difficult questions like.. 'what do i really want to do?', or 'how does one search for a passion?', or more recently, 'What is the one question to ask to find out if someone is close to their parent(s)?' and sometimes there aren't answers. i came up with an answer to the latter, but who knows with the first two? It's all a great, big mystery. and i don't have time to be sad about not knowing. all i have are my two typing hands (for all online applications) and some brain cells to figure out where to go from here - where to go look for 'how'. (see how la!)

right now.. i'm fed. and pretty happy. food (can be) so good and cheap here. i got a plate of rice with 3 dishes (stewed vegetables, chillied long beans, and pork with scallions) for S$2.50. i heart food places in Singapore. next up for my day.. get down to business i suppose. maybe a nap. we'll see how. haha.

cheerio.

'cos I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again...

so I'm skedaddling out of here. going to miss the place that I've called home for the last 4 years. and while I'm back 'home' rediscovering it's sweetness, I will no doubt think about College Hill, Thayer and the little nooks and crannies that I've come to love about this place. I shan't name them all, and I'm not a sentimental person, so it doesn't bother me as much I suppose. The place, after all, is just a place.

What I shall miss dearly are its inhabitants. The people I have come to call my friends and family, the ones I leave behind... the ones who are plotting, even now, how to make me stay. The ones who made Providence home. Thayer is magical because of you! (I mean, honestly, it's not much to look at or gawk over on it's on, you know? haha.) And playgrounds will never be the same again.. (I'm too old for them now. bah.) There are no blueberries to pick in Singapore. My mom thinks my guitar playing is noisy. (which means, of course, that you guys were just too polite to complain.) Who knows when we'll meet again, guys. But to the end of my 1460 days of awesomeness that we shared, where you had to put up with my nonsense.. cheers.

have a good one.

playing the waiting game.

Whate'er my God ordains is right,
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still whate'er He does,
And follow where He guideth.
He is my God, though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall,
Wherefore to Him I leave it all.

I'm still here. Still waiting. Waiting is all I do nowadays. I thought of Hugh Grant's character, Will, in 'About a Boy' yesterday while I was writing (somewhere else)..

'I find the key is to think of a day as units of time, each unit consisting of no more than thirty minutes. Full hours can be a little bit intimidating and most activities take about half an hour. Taking a bath: one unit, watching countdown: one unit, web-based research: two units, exercising: three units, having my hair carefully disheveled: four units. It's amazing how the day fills up, and I often wonder, to be absolutely honest, if I'd ever have time for a job; how do people cram them in?'

And that's what I did. Went for a bike ride: one unit, oiled and cleaned said bike: one unit, showered and checked email and ate breakfast: 2 units, think of what to do with blueberries that I picked the day before: 1 unit... etc. I also did other things. but honestly, putting together a list of things I take units to do probably takes about a unit too. and it's too much work. :)

Now I'm going to have blueberry pancakes as my slave toils away in the kitchen to make them for me. yum. Ok I should go help. cheerio everyone.

you've got a fast car, is it fast enough so we can fly away?

So in a surprising turn of events, I am left clinging on to the US by a strand. I have an interview on Tuesday. After wrestling so long back and forth about what I want and where God is calling me, and what difficult directions friends and family and pushing and pulling me in... I don't know how I feel about it. It's not the dream job, and I don't even know if I fit well into it. But I got to go into that interview wanting it. (besides, anyone who knows me knows that I have no dream job. because I have no dreams. I don't think being a rock star counts... because there are dreams and then there are dreams.)

Where do you go, what do you think, when everything just seems like... rojak?

Confusion is nothing new. So I guess I'm left here.. waiting for ma laundry, wanting to sleep. trying to read white papers but really not getting a hold of anything. Did I mention that I had a kickass day? The Newport Jazz Festival was the bomb. and everyone was so amazing. Hiromi = awesome. just sayin. Watching her makes me feel like laughing and crying all at once. Also 23-going-on-24 year old Esperanza Spalding (who btdubs became a professor at Berklee at 20) was so cool. Plus the old school jazz band Branford Marsalis quartet. Makes for a wonderful day of fun- (and sun-) filled entertainment. And I love fun in the sun. Especially after working an almost 40-hour work week at the butcher shop (which I am officially done with too). If I was a smidgen talented, I'd do the whole starving artist thing. Aye. Instead I'm going to go look at pharmaceutical numbers now.

Hey, but a plan for my career and life is forming. Slowly. Let's see what idea incubation and forced dreaming begets.